The London underground (or the tube, as we plebs like to call it): Indispensable, yet detrimental to the soul. A parallel universe where only one rule applies: There are no rules.
As a veteran of an estimated 7 000 journeys on this necessary evil, I have seen absolutely everything – and have gathered enough knowledge to provide the less experienced commuter with an insightful guide. So – here we go… Or, as we’d say in tube lingua: “This train is ready to depart. Please stand clear of the closing doors.”
The tube is a breeding ground for all sorts of diseases. The common cold, ‘flu, herpes, Aids… the list goes on. If your health remains a priority, then only use your knuckles to press the buttons on the card machines and at the tube’s doors.
If you carry a handbag, ensure that you have your ticket ready before approaching the entrance gates. Do not wait until you come to a complete standstill at the yellow ticket reader before launching a franti